To Mr. Frank A. Conly.
"Tom Collins Is My Name" (1874)
(Character Song)
Words by Mark Mason [pseud. for Septimus Winner]
Music by Septimus Winner, 1827-1902

[Source: 09822@LoC;
Philadelphia: W. H. Boner & Co.]

1.
Tom Collins is my name, my friends,
May I beg leave to state,
You've heard of me I dare suppose,
Quite often here of late;
I'm here, I'm there, I'm ev'rywhere;
But rather hard to find
So don't attempt to look me up,
Unless you're well inclined.

SPOKEN
I am pained to learn that so many of my friends
have been searching for me in vain; I hear that
I have been inquired for in a great number of
places, by many excited and hasty individuals
who had lost their tempers in the search. I am
extremely sorry to have just missed them, but --

REFRAIN
I'm here, I'm there, I'm ev'rywhere;
And rather hard to find
So don't attempt to look me up
Unless you're well inclined.

2.
I count myself a gentleman,
Or something of the sort,
Tho' many seem inclined to take
Me as a common sport;
I'm willing to apologise,
And reach my hand to all
Who are inclined to wait on me,
And give a friendly call.

SPOKEN
Indeed, I have shed tears of sympathy for those
who have compelled to suffer the derision of the
heartless, or stand treat on my account. I know
the trials of mankind are many, and sometimes a
little expensive, but I will make it all right
with my persecuted friends if they will favor me
with a visit, but --

(REFRAIN)

3.
I'll tell you how it is my friends,
And you will all agree --
Some wretches without heart or soul,
Are fooling you and me.
So let us keep our tempers straight,
And take the joke as fair;
We'll get along much better boys,
In acting on the square.

SPOKEN
I understand several persons are looking after me
with weapons, I'm sorry for it, for I can disappear
like any ghost, and I would not wish them any
unnecessary trouble. If there are any here who have
been victimized, they can call upon me at -- their
convenience; and I will make amends, but --

(REFRAIN)