"The Scientific Man" (1895)
Comic Song. 
Words and Music by Charles Osborne.
[alias? for John Rogers Thomas, 1830-1896] 
Arranged by Henry E. Pether. 

New York: T. B. Harms & Co., 18 East 22nd St. 
London: Francis, Day & Hunter, 142, Charing Cross Road
[Source: 143/129@Levy]

1. I once knew a man and he was an Encyclopeadia! 
He could tell you the weight of the moon to an once, 
And the name of ev’ry star; 
He’d stand on a slope, with a big telescope, 
And squint at Venus bright, 
’Till all the Pa’s of the girls in Mars 
Complain’d that ’twas not right. 
He used to say that the Milky Way 
Was at Cowes, in the Isle of Wight; 
He analyzed fogs from the Isle of Dogs, 
And set the river alight. 
They had to admit he’d got the wit 
And learning, in his mind, 
Of Europe, Ireope, Lorop, Stirrup 
And Jalap, all combined.

CHORUS [sung twice after each verse]
And he knew all about etymology, 
Hebrew, Shebrew, Jewjuology; 
Syntax, tintacks, hobnails, bootjacks, 
He was full as a moving-van. 
Those who crack’d and back’d up Edison, 
Swore his jaw was more than medicine, 
Simply because people said he was 
A durn’d learn’d scientific man. 

2. He could jaw for a week in ancient Greek 
And spout   on the ages dark, 
He’d “pinch“ your watch to indulge in Scotch, 
And “welch” at Monmouth Park; 
He’d bolt and bunk like a Chinese Junk 
And dance a German waltz; 
And inflate his lungs with various tongues 
From Dutch to Epson Salts. 
He’d a beak like a parrot, the color of a carrot, 
With a Roman wart on top; 
A swanlike throat, like an oldmud boat, 
And a breath like a chemist shop; 
A long moustache, like weeds in a marsh, 
And a temper sour and crabby; 
He’d nap and scrap with a Russian or a Jap, 
And swear like a drunken cabby.

3. He could tell from a speck of mud upon your neck
The place where you were born,
And just from the touch he’d say how much
Your coat would fetch in pawn;
He’d guess your weight by the size of your pate,
And what seems still more strange,
He’d boldly assert, by the wrinkle of your shirt,
That you required a change;
He was nearly as quick at arithmetic
As a New York Central train,
He had grammer and addition and a bunk­adood­leition
And division and collision on the brain;
He collared a degree at a University,
And all the Profs,. cried, “Mercy“!
When he won a prize for a bookthat size—
Of “insect life in Jersey.”

4. He could draw a map, a barrow, or a trap,
And square a circle to a “T”;
And he could swear, from the colour of your hair,
What your politics might be.
Around his room a sweet perfume
Invariably did dwell,
That scent, one night, to the house set light
And blew the house to Halifax.
When the coroner was told the place was cold,
He came up to the scratch,
They found one rib that looked like a squib
And smelt like a brimstrone match:
They sniffed and yelled and an inquest held,
Those gentlemen in fustian;
Said they, “By gom! he’s busted from
Spontaneous combustion!”