"I Can't Do the Sum" (1903)
from the operetta "Babes in Toyland"
Lyrics by Glen MacDonough, 1870-1924
Music by Victor August Herbert, 1859-1924

1.
If a steamship weighed ten thousand tons
And sailed five thousand miles,
With a cargo large of overshoes,
And carving knives and files,
If the mates were almost six feet high,
And the bos'n near the same,
Would you subtract or multiply,
To find the captain's name?

CHORUS [the children] [after each verse]
Oh! __ Oh __ Oh! __
|: Put down six and carry two,
Gee! but this is hard to do;
You can think and think and think
Till your brains are numb,
I don't care what teacher says,
I can't do the sum. :|

2.
If Clarence took fair Gwendolin
Out for an auto ride,
And if at sixty miles an hour,
One kiss to capture tried,
And quite forgot the steering gear,
On her honeyed lips to sup,
How soon could twenty men with brooms,
Sweep Clare and Gwennie up?

3.
If Harold took sweet Imogene
With him one eve to dine,
And ordered half the bill of fare,
With cataracts of wine,
If the bill of fare were thirteen ninety five,
And poor Harold had but four,
How many things would Harold strike,
Before he struck the floor?

4.
If a woman had an English pug,
Ten children and a cat,
And she tried in seven hours to find
A forty dollar flat,
With naught but sunny outside rooms,
In a neighborhood of tone,
How old would those ten children be,
Before they found a home?

5.
If a pound of prunes cost thirteen cents
At half past one today,
And the grocer is so bald he wears
A dollar five toupee,
And if with ev'ry pound of tea,
He will give two cut glass plates,
How soon would Willie break his face,
On his new roller skates?