from "Foster's Melodies, No. 19. My wife is a knowing woman."
"My Wife Is a Most Knowing Woman" (1863)
Poetry by George Cooper, 1838-1927
Music by Stephen Collins Foster, 1826-1864

1.
My wife is a most knowing woman,
  She always is finding me out,
She never will hear explanations
  But instantly puts me to rout,
There's no use to try to deceive her,
  If out with my friends, night or day,
In the most inconceivable manner
  She tells me where I've been right away,
She says that I'm "mean" and "inhuman"
  Oh! my wife is a most knowing woman.

2.
She would have been hung up for witchcraft
  If she had lived sooner, I know,
There's no hiding any thing from her,
  She knows what I do--where I go;
And if I come in after midnight
  And say "I have been to the lodge,"
Oh, she says while she flies in a fury,
  "Now don't think to play such a dodge!
It's all very fine, but wont do, man."
  Oh, my wife is a most knowing woman.

3.
Not often I go out to dinner
  And come home a little "so so,"
I try to creep up through the hall-way,
  As still as a mouse, on tip-toe,
She's sure to be waiting for me
  And then comes a nice little scene,
"What, you tell me you're sober, you wretch you,
  Now don't think that I am so green!
My life is quite worn out with you man,"
  Oh, my wife is a most knowing woman!

4.
She knows me much better that _I do_,
  Her eyes are life those of a lynx,
Though how she discovers my secrets
  Is a riddle would puzzle a sphynx,
On fair days, when we go out walking,
  If ladies look at me askance,
In the most harmless way, I assure you,
  My wife gives me, oh! such a glance,
And says "all these insults you'll rue, man,"
  Oh, my wife is a most knowing woman.

5.
Yes, I must give all my friends up
  If I would live happy and quiet;
One might as well be 'neath a tombstone
  As live in confusion and riot.
This life we all know is a short one,
  While _some_ tongues are long, heaven knows,
And a miserable life is a husbands,
  Who numbers his wife with his foes,
I'll stay at home now like a true man,
  For my wife is a most knowing woman.