"The Substitute Broker" (1864)
Words by JOHN L. ZIEBER.
Arranged for the Piano Forte
by RUDOLPH WITTIG.

Philadelphia, PA: W. R. SMITH, Apt. 135 N. Eighth St.
Lithographer: Geoge F. Swain
[Source: 090/054@Levy]

1.
I am a broker Sirs, and living in this city;
In substitutes I deal, and do it without pity,
I’m always on the hunt for some poor verdant fellow,
I ply him with “softsoap” and liquor till he’s mellow;

CHORUS [sung after each VERSE]
That’s the way we do, aint we jolly jokers?
Making money too, all by being brokers.

2.
I met a chap one day, a stranger, and a green one,
Says I that is my man, or I have never seen one,
I speedily hail’d him, and smiled most unresisting,
Says I “my dear young friend do you think of enlisting?”

3.
“Oh yes” says he, I am, ’twas that which brought me hither,
I’ll fight for Uncle Sam, and march, I don’t care whither,”
We went to a hotel and took smile after smile Sirs,
We drank ale, beer and wine, I paying all the while, Sirs;

4.
And then to make all right we went to the Theatre,
I saw he staggered quite, tho’ I could scarce walk straighter,
We staid not long in there, but towards my den I took him,
I thought the time had come when I could nearly hook him.

5.
Before we reached the place he swore he’d have more liquor,
Thinks I, I won’t refuse, I’ll nail you all the quicker,
We drank and went somewhere, where “greeney” without warning,
Sold me as a Substitute, I found it out next morning.

6.
Now listen brothers all, take warning by my fate, sirs,
If you should catch a fool, keep sober and walk straight, sirs,
Or as you run along you’ll fall in your own trap, sirs,
And be sold as a Substitute by some green country chap, sirs.