[from] "The Time, The Place & The Girl"
[No. 1 of 9]
"I Don't Like Your Family" (1906)
Lyrics by 
Will M. Hough, 1882-1962 & 
Frank R. Adams, 1883-1963
Music by Joseph E. Howard, 1878-1961

[Source: @Levy]

1. The scene is a room in a flat when the gloom, 
From the gas in the parlor’s dim, 
Don’t frighten the maid nor the man I’m afraid, 
Cause the same chair holds Mary and Jim. 
Now Mary tells Jim she’ll get married to him, 
And asks him to pick out the day, 
Says Jim to Marie “Gee, you look good to me, 
But there’s something else stands in the way.“ 

CHORUS [sung twice after each verse]
I don’t like your family, 
They don’t make a hit with me, 
I don’t want to bother lending money to your father, 
While your Ma’s relations live on me, 
I don’t think your Uncle John ever had a collar on, 
You’re a perfect lady but when I get hitched for life, I want an orphan.


2. Your dad with a knife has the time of his life, 
Eating pie in the good old way, 
Then he and your mother throw plates at each other, 
’Cause baby cuts teeth night and day. 
Next dear little Anna torments the piano, 
While Willie plays tunes on a comb, 
All this might go well in a big padded cell, 
It’s not my dream of “Home, Sweet Home.”