"The Animal Quartett" (24 May 1873)
Thier Quartett.
By J. Brixner.
Arranged by Carl Kerssen.
A musical Burlesque
for Four Male Voices,
with Accompaniment of the Piano Forte 
With an Introduction by Carl Kerssen.

Philadelphia, PA: Mirsalis & Hamel, 810 Arch Str.
[Source: 05903@LoC]

INTRODUCTION
============

Ladies and Gentlemen!---I shall have the honor to introduce to
you five animals, which after a great deal of trouble and
tribulation, I have succeeded in educating as musicians, so
that they will be able to sing in your honored presence a
quartette to the piano.

AND NOW (calls) No. 1. (The Cat appears.)

This, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a cat, performing the part of
the first Tenor.  This cat was born in Spain, and not in New
Jersey, which is often said to belong to Spain; she is a daring
singer; no run, no jump is too difficult for her; she with her
legs.  Being often of an unsteady and wandering mind, she left
Spain for other parts of the world, following the example of the
Yankee, who travels all over the world and never forgets his
home.  At 12 o'clock at night it is her habit to sing, to the
utmost horror of the whole neighborhood, the well known song:
"Spain my home, so dear to me?"  She has become my guest and is
a very valuable aquisition to me.  Many bad habits she has
alreaded quitted, although it is impossible for her to quit
catching mice and going out a nights.

AND NOW (calls) No. 2 (The Chicken appears.)

This is a chicken, my second Tenor.  This Chicken is a real
Shanghai hen, very modest in manners and always ready to
swallow whatever you may give her or whatever she may find.
She dresses in her own feathers and never wears borrowed
plumes.  She is a singer by nature and sings to suit her own
notions of music; she can read music from the leaf, when she
sits on the tree.  She always minds her own eggs and leaves
others alone.  Being brought up in Polygamy, she has a great
desire to join the Mormons and go to Salk Lake City.

AND NOW (calls) No. 3. (The Dog appears.)

This dog goes by the name of John Bull and is my truest and
dearest friend.  His nature is of a melancholy character; he
his an Englishman by birth and has a great talent for music,
which is rarely found among his country men or country dogs.
He is a very considerate animal, which may be seen from his
steady habit of scratching his head.  This dog does not like
to join with other dogs, he only becomes social during the
music lessons and raises his head, whenever he is pleased at
some particular part of the concert.  He lives in great
harmony with his brother singers and the only cause for
any trouble or fight is the bones.

AND NOW No. 4. (A Hog appears.)

This ia a Hog, the Basso Profundo.  The home of this hog,
Ladies and Gentlemen is Cincinnati, in the State of Ohio; this
porker had to be washed and scraped often and well before it
could be taught to become a clear singer.  This hog might have
become a great politician from his habit of sticking his snout
into everything and swallowing everything within his reach.

AND NOW No. 5. (A monkey appears.)

This Monkey, Ladies and Gentlemen, is our Pianist, but no pupil
of Liszt.  He was born in South America, studied French in
Poland, English in France, and Pennsyvania Dutch in Kutztown,
Berks County, Pennsylvania.  He possesses a great deal of
pluck, good manners and is very polite, particularly toward
ladies, who like to be accompanied by him.  He always dresses
after the newest fashion and you will have often seen his
likeness in the latest numbers of the fashion papers.  He has a
certain habit, however, which I musit allow him to retain.
Whenever the performance is over, he will no longer remain and
like all talented musicians he will hasten to the nearest
tavern, from which he seldom returns, without bringing anonther
monkey along belonging to the species, generally called in
French "the blue tailed monkery" or in English "Tipsy Turvey."
After his death he will probably live in a stuffed state and
show himself in Barnum's Museum.

AND NOW,---Ladies  and  Gentlemen,  I most resectfully beseech
you, during the performance not to call any of these animals by
name or to throw victuals to them, as they may get bewildered
and out of time and tune.

AND NOW,---We shall begin.

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REMARKS
=======

The performance of this musical entertainment requires five heads
of animals made of Paper mache.  The gentleman representing the
chicken has to be dressed as a Lady, stylish and elegant; the
other four Gentlemen to be in full dress (black dress coat and
white gloves.)

Each singer must try as much as possible to imitiate the natural
voices of the animal represented, avoiding, however, all and any
exaggeration.  This little play must be a well executed
performance, and not a so called "Cater wauling" which latter
would be spoil the whole, instead of benefitting the same.

The speaker of the introduction (Conductor) has to introduce
the performers as soon as they appear.  In case the speaker
should not act as Conducter of the musical part, he must leave
at the conclusion of the introduction, politely bowing to the
audience.

It would be a great fault, if the Conductor would, during the
musical part of the performance, direct his attention of the
audience to himself by means of so called side-jokes.  He, the
Conductor, may render his good humor and wit available during
the introduction, which must be spoken without reading it; but
the musical part must be conducted in earnest, if it is to
succeed.

If the Piano part be played by the Orchestra, a guitar, or banjo,
may be taken by the Monkey as a substitute for the Piano, so that
the dialogue about the monkey is not omitted.

Leaders of Vocal Societies, who desire to perform this musical
jest, are respectfully informed that a proper selection of the
singers of each part is necessary, and a change of the musicians
should be had until the proper voice talent is found.

Careful attention to the above remarks will always produce an
exhilarating effect upon the audience.

                                       CARL KERSSEN

TRANSCRIBER's NOTE: Due to the very repititious nature of the lyrics,
they will not be included beyond listing the initial words for each
singer:

CAT:      Meou.
CHICKEN:  Cac cac ca nah! [and in one case: en'rrr]
DOG:      How ; or, Who [for the slow section]
HOG:      Wui.